I really love Christmas. I love the lights, the wonder, the magic that the little kids still believe in. I'm not even "anti-commericalilization," either. Its so much fun driving through the neighborhoods and pointing out the huge, inflatable pegnuin/grinch/bears on a ferris wheel.
What don't I like? Exploitation. In its purest form.
I was at Wegman's yesterday (aaahhh, Wegman's), and was standing in the no-candy aisle. Of course, no grocery store in its right mind would have a "no temptation for small children" aisle, so this one was covered in children's books for Christmas. "Twas the Night Before Christmas, Super Why stye", Barbie Chrismas somethingorother, Baby Einstein, a nod to the true meaning of Christmas (you know, with the actual Holy Family on the front cover), a Jan Brett book on her Gingerbread friends, and even a 'tell all' book by Mrs. Clause: all the questions kids have wanted to ask, but never dared until now. These were all quite cute, but then I spied one book in the bottom lefthand corner (how appropo) slightly, dare I say, "greenish" in hue.
When Santa Turned Green.
You've got to be kidding me.
Since I had only one child in tow, and he was happy to feed himself, I decided to have myself a chuckle. Talk about propaganda! It was the story of Santa, working in his workshop one November, when he felt a drop on his head. He went outside to investigate, and found that yes, his roof was leaking but it was because the snow on his roof was melting. In fact, all the snow was melting everywhere. IN FACT, he noticed that the polar ice caps were melting! So, he looks into the problem further, and finds that thanks to all our horrible means of living for the past several hundred years, we're killing the planet. (Okay, maybe not in those exact words, b/c the author did say that she was trying to figure out a way to tell her children in a not so scary way that earth as we know it will soon cease to exist).
It gets better. Of course, Santa can go all over the world and deliver presents to all the good girls and boys in a matter of hours, and never be seen, AND he's done this for two thousand years, but-- he can't save the planet alone (what are the elves doing???). No, he needs the help of the good little boys and girls of the world. So, I think he had a summit. Timmy now recycles. Bobby convinced his grandfather to buy a hybrid. Melissa changed all the lightbulbs in her house to those twrilly energy saving ones (what is she going to do when her little brother, Sammy, breaks one and gets merccury poisoning, I wonder?), Betty walks to schoool instead of whining for a ride, etc.
Sigh.
Seriously, where does this leave me? Do I have to make organic cookies for Santa, served with a glass of raw milk? And what about the elves? Do you really think they've been been employing "green" methods all these years, or do their tiny feet leave small enough carbon footprints, so that it doesn't really matter. What's next, a book about how Mary and Joseph decided not to take thier SUV to Bethlehem, opting instead to ride a donkey, so as not to produce any extra emmisions? Were the swaddling clothes that Mary wrapped baby Jesus in made in China, or were they made under human work conditions?
Of course, I don't want to rape the planet of its goodness. Yes, I think recycling is good, using fewer chemicals is good (excpet when Orkin comes back next week to spray again to ensure that I NEVER AGAIN FIND A BLACK WIDOW SPIDER IN MY HOUSE!!!!!), and I can't stand buing eveything from China.
But, I don't want a green Christmas, I want a white Christmas. With the magic, and wonder, and non-organic Christmas cookies.
10 comments:
Another totally funny post, my dear. Kudos to you!! So how does the author explain that Santa still delivers plastic toys and many of them say "Made in China" on them?
Good question! I should email her. Maybe in the Tell All book by Mrs. Clause, there's an answer to how Santa can reconcile his seemingly disengenous behavior. Is that the right word? 'Cause it makes me sound smart. :)
I think the word might be incongruous, but I'm not 100% sure. I bet Angela knows or Lauren.
Oh Angela or Lauren - where are you? What would be the best word to use here???
You were close, it's "disingenuous," though that sounds like a double negative. ("Dis" and "in" both being negative prefixes, I guess it's just a little extra emphasis on the NOT part of the word.) Anyhow, you meant not genuine or misleading.
Wow, I'm a walking textbook. When did I become so dull? Really I'm not, I can email this cute photo from our Holy Family Circle (mom's group) Christmas Party! I had two drinks there, really!!
Enough about me, this was a very clever post. My personal fave was the reference to the elves' puny carbon footprints. ('Cause they're small, get it?)
I rinse and recycle everything that I can here, but I have to wonder how much energy and fossil fuel and American wage-earning hours go into melting my water bottle down into a reusable eco-friendly bag at the grocery store. Are we really coming out ahead? Then Veronica tells me that her teacher's husband used to work for some refuse company that just took the recycling hoppers and emptied them in the landfill because it was too much effort to sort the plastics and remove adhesives and labels. That's just greaaaaaaaat.
Haven't you all been missing my novels here? I know I have. My own blog, where?
This was hilarious, Anne! I loved it - very clever and right on point. The whole "green" thing is driving me crazy. I'm all for stewardship, but some recycling processes actually create hazardous by-products and, as Lauren mention, expend more energy. Don't even get me started on the "wisdom" of ethanol - perhaps that could be a volume written from Rudolph and the other reindeers' perspective since it is produced w/ corn. Hey, maybe they could just explore the whole biofuel thing. With Anne's Mrs. Claus tell all, I see a series in the works - maybe we could get the elves could pen something on green labor practices and work spaces.
Oh, and I'm so glad Lauren fielded the vocab query before me - A+++
Such an excellent post. I love the title too. We're going to Seattle for Christmas, I think I can use that all over town.
Have you seen the Barack children's book??? Seriously, I threw up just a little in my mouth when I read it at the book store.
High marks from Angela!?! My mission is complete. (Imagine that last sentence spoken in a very dramatically drawn out, round-mouthed James Earl Jones style.) Now I can die a happy lass. :-)
BTW, you should check out http://barefootmeandering.com/blog/ where KathyJo lets loose some rather witty tirades (re: green movement, public schools, the bailout, the election). They are a family gone "back to the earth" buying a farm and making a lot of their own food, but oh she has our sensibilities about a lot of things. For example, if you scroll waaaay down on the right you will find her post threads entitled "Stupid Facist Bastards" and just for you Anne "Wheat Sucks." Enjoy!!
Wow-- nine comments??? You guys rock! I feel like I have a real blog now!
Lauren, I can't beleive that about the recycling place- what a bunch of liberal hypocrites! Oops, sorry, that was redundant. And thank you for helping me with my grammer-- all those nights we spent staying up late studying really paid off, eh? :)
Angela-- leave it to you to find the compassionate note for the starving reindeer. Do you think they use the magic corn to make ethanol? Does that grow in a differnt place?
Kelly-- ugh. I think I just threw up a little, too. I was at Wegmans yesterday (see, there it is again!) and a man was standing outside his vehicle, covered in obama stickers, and when he opened his door, he apparently was listening to BO on his radio
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